The Armoury:

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Season One:

Travis: I heard this platform's been improved for bio transport
Malcolm: I presume you mean fruits and vegetables.
Travis: I mean Armoury officers and helmsmen.
Malcolm: Don't think I'm quite ready to have my molecules compressed into a data stream.
Travis: They claim it's safe.
Malcolm: Do they indeed. Well, I certainly hope the Captain doesn't plan on making us use it.
Travis: Don't worry. From what I'm told, he wouldn't even put his dog through this thing.

Malcolm: [opens case] Oh, this is ridiculous. I ask for plasma coils, and they send me a case of valve sealant.

Malcolm: Didn't you read the profile report on these Klingons? Apparently they sharpen their teeth before they go into battle.

Malcolm: No doubt Mr. Tucker will assure me my equipent will be here tomorrow. [feigns southern accent] Keep yer shirt on, Lieutenant.

Archer: Ah, the new weapons.
Malcolm: They're called phase pistols. They have two settings; stun and kill. It would be best not to confuse them.

Archer: Come on, Travis. We've got to find Mr. Reed something to blow up.

Archer: [watching Malcolm load a rifle] Going to war, Lieutenant?
Malcolm: Can't be too careful, Sir.
Archer: You've seen too many science-fiction movies. We just need the three phase pistols, put the rifles back.
[Malcolm grudgingly puts them back]

Archer: Nice catch. You'd make a good two metre man. Too bad we don't have a pool on board.
Malcolm: A shame.

Archer: [floating in zero-g shower] Archer to the Bridge.
Malcolm: Bridge here, sir.
Archer: What the hell is going on?
Malcolm: Ah, we are having a little trouble with the gravity plating on E-deck. Hope it doesn't cause you any inconvenience.
Archer: Oh no, no, no, not at all. Any idea when you might get it back online?
Malcolm: Commander Tucker says it should be any minute now, sir.
Archer: [falls to the ground] Thank you!

Malcolm: Didn't they feed you over there?
Trip: You should have come with me, Malcolm.
Malcolm: I heard about the holographic recreation.
Trip: Wasn't like any visual simulator I've ever tried. Was more like actually being there. You could smell the ocean, feel the salt air on your skin...
Malcolm: If we had one of those on board, i can only imagine what it would be used for.
Trip: [laughing] I don't know if they can recreate people with it, but it sure did a hell of a job on landscapes.
Malcolm: Make any friends?
Trip: Ah'len, one of their engineers. She's the one who showed me their holographic chamber.
Malcolm: Is she the one you thanked for taking care of you?
Trip: Yeah.
Malcolm: Interesting scales.
Trip: She did have a certain... sensuality to her.
Malcolm: So. Did you get a look at their weapons?

Malcolm: It would be best if I went first, sir.

Malcolm: Don't worry about me, sir. I was just getting used to the place.

Malcolm: That's an old MK-33 isn't it? Or is a 34...? Impressive body armour you're wearing, did you make it yourself? ... Right...
I don't suppose there's a lavatory on the premises is there? I wouldn't mind freshening up a little... No, didn't think so.
Novan: is your belly hollow?
Malcolm: That all depends. What's for dinner?
Novan: Digger meat.
Malcolm: Oh. Looks a little... undercooked.
Novan: Humans are like wet moss. They rot on the underside.
Malcolm: [gives in and tries the meat] Not bad.