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Trendy Tony Quotes:
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Desmond: Where do we find this new Junior?
Michael: His name's Tony and he's the best in town.
Desmond: Well he would be.
Michael: We have to speculate to accumulate. Look, he'll bring enough custom with
him to pay for himself.
Shirley: The new stylist studied for 5 years at a top academy.
Desmond: What's 5 years at a top academy compared to 25 years in at the sharp end?
Michael: Father, may I take this opportunity to introduce you... to Tony.
Tony: Hi.
Desmond: Tony come in tomorrow.
Porkpie: Who's coming?
Desmond: I told you already who he is!
Porkpie: Ahhhh... the white boy.
Porkpie: Tell me something. If you don't want him to come, why don't you tell him
to go?
Desmond: Because the family want him to stay.
Porkpie: So why don't you tell THEM to go?
Desmond: Because he'd still be here.
Porkpie: So why don't you and him go together?
Desmond: Well because.... what?
Gloria: Didn't you think he was tasty, mum?
Shirley: Who was tasty?
Gloria: Trendy Tony, of course...
Gloria: Trendy? You call him trendy with all them holes in his trousers. His mother
must be ashamed of him, walking down the street like that.
Gloria: Oh, people pay a lot of money to look like that, you know.
Gloria: I told you he was cool.
Louise: He's really nice.. But men like that aren't to be trusted. They use
their good looks to walk all over women.
Gloria: Oh he can walk all over me any ol' time.
Louise: Yeah.. me too.
Desmond: How did you know we played these games?
Tony: Michael told me. I've got a jazz and blue collection, Des... MOND. Also
got some rare grooves... old time styl-ee.
Desmond: Maybe we might get along after all.
Other Epiodes
Desmond: You again?
Tony: Course it's me. It's Saturday. You're star stylist is here. Mind you, you're
lucky I am. Last night, right, I get a call from this new client. Now I don't wanna go
round her place, but she says she wants to show me her record collection, and why don't
I bring a few of mine. Well, that was an offer I couldn't refuse. I thought 'Tony, with
these gifted hands, a large *ahem* record collection, and my good looks, no trouble.'
Desmond: So what happened?
Tony: She opened the door, and she was... well she was just...
Desmond: Beautiful?
Tony: Nah.. BIG, Des. A big momma! Name's Alice. She could dance man, what.. we
danced all night! She's got a wicked sense of humour. You know what, Des.. it's funny
how you can misjudge a person.
Porkpie: How'd you know who that is? The man in the record shop said there's only
three copies left in the world. He have one, I have one..
Tony: Yeah, and I've got the other one. Peckham's a small world, init.
Tony: I came, I cut.. and I conquered.
Tony: Look, Des..MOND. We've been through this thing before. You cut hair, and I style it. You chop, and I caress.
Tony: Yeah, well.. I aim to please.
Shirley: I'm sure you do.
Tony: You know how it is, Shirl.
Tony: I started to have my doubts when the bloke at the garage didn't ask me if I was the owner.. he asked me if I was the next of kin...
[After a football comes through a window]
Gloria: You alright, Tony?
Tony: My HAIR!!
Desmond: [to Shirley] You're not going to stand there and take their side
after what they've done?!
Tony: Look Des, it's alright. No need to worry, I'm okay.
Desmond: I'm not talking about you, Tony, I'm talking about me shop window!
Gloria: Are you really, Uncle Porkpie?
Tony: No, he's really you're Uncle Freddy Kreuger.
Tony: A cramped style is no style at all.
Desmond: That's the truest words you ever spoke, Tony.
Matthew: In my family back home, when the eldest return, like the prodigal son,
we celebrate in a big way.
Tony: What? Roast a fatted calf or something?
Matthew: Yes. It's a cause for much rejoicing and happiness.
Tony: 'Cept for the fatted calf.
Desmond: It's the insurance premium on the shop. It's nearly two and a half
times last year's.
Tony: So now wouldn't be a good time to ask for a raise then, Des.
Desmond: No, because now's not a good time to be an employee, Tony.
Lee: Look, Tony, about tonight, we'll have to cancel. Mel can't make it, she's
having to work late at the club, so... some other time, yeah.
Tony: What... you mean, her friend's not interested?
Lee: Tony, you're getting paranoid, alright. [turns to everyone while
Tony tries to keep him quiet] Look, I had it all set up for Tony here to meet the
girl of his dreams. But unfortunately, she's of the breed who won't go to the toilet
without her best friend...
Tony: Hey! Ciao, Vanessa, darling!
Vanessa: Tony, darling!
Tony/Vanessa: [kiss both cheeks] mwha!
Tony: What brings you into town? I mean, our appointment isn't until tomorrow.
Vanessa: I'm off to a photographic session and I need a bit of oomph, that only
you can do.
Tony: Sit down Vanessa, while these fair hands caress you.
Tony: [mock] Hey Gloria! Ciao, baby!
Gloria: [mock] Oh, Tony, darling!
[air kissing both cheeks]
Gloria: Here, how about one for luck then?
[Gloria grabs Tony around the shoulders and pulls him round, dipping him over
into a kiss, he looks stunned when she lets him go]
Gloria: I've always wanted to do that.
Tony: But Des, it's Monday morning, mate. You should be moaning and groaning with the rest of us. No respect for tradition, man.
[Desmond is being ganged up on by Matthew, Porkpie and Tony to tell the truth]
Tony: So what's your explanation, Des?
Desmond: Right. Well. You'd better don't bother coming back to work tomorrow.
Tony: No, no you're right, Des. It's my day off. And besides. I don't think you're
going to sack me. Not until you've consulted your partner.
Desmond: Michael? I don't have to consult Michael. If I want to sack one of my
staff I will.
Matthew: He's going to ask questions when he finds out Tony is no longer in
your employ.
Porkpie: [singsong voice] And when Michael asks... we tell..
Desmond: But.. but.. that's... blackmail!
Matthew/Porkpie/Tony: Yes.
Burt: [pleased with his cut] There you are, Tony. Have a drink on me.
Tony: Aw, cheers, Burt. [looks down at his tip] Yeah, next time I have a
class of water, I'll think of you, mate.
Tony: Lee, what.. you incognito?
Lee: No, mate, I'm in Raybans..
[after someone gets into the shop at night, Desmond asks Tony for his keys back
since he's only had them three weeks]
Tony: Yeah, well, Desmond. If you don't trust me then I don't trust you either.
So you can take your keys, yeah and your job, and stick it where it hurts.
Tony: Listen, I think what Sean is trying to say, Des, is that he walked into a
lamp-post. Now listen, we've all done that once or twice in our life, ain't we, mate.
Desmond: Is that why you so stupid, Tony?
[needing a cover-up for Matthew]
Desmond: Never fear, Desmond is here. Let me introduce you to your two new
business partners. Have you met Mr. Anthony Bellmont-Smythe..
Tony: [posh, yuppy accent] Oh, how do you do, it'll be a pleasure doing
business with you, sir...
[after seeing Tony in a suit far too big for him]
Lee: Look, I know the baggy look's in at the moment, but that's a sack you're
wearing, isn't it.
Tony: Look, alright, I know. I ain't got a suit, alright. I borrowed it off my
mate. He's very big in the city.
Lee: Very big everywhere. Now, we've gotta get this straight. What line of
business are you dealing in?
Tony: Yeah, well I thought I'd go for the money market.
Lee: you can't do that. I was gonna do that!
Tony: Aw, now come on, man, I done a lot of research into this.
Lee: Oh yeah, like what?
Tony: Well, I watched the money programme last night...
Tony: [about Desmond] That man could chat up women, while blowing the
trumpet.
Louise: Well, Tony, most men would benefit from blowing that trumpet.. instead of
blowing their own..
Tony: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree. I agree with you, Louise... but you see. I'm
not most men. [Louise musses up Tony's hair] Oi!!
Shirley: [to Lee, trying to get her to come watch him box] I can't. I can't
just sit there and watch someone try to beat you up.
Tony: Oh, I could. Yeah, stick me down for two, will you mate.
Lee: That's the spir... hey!
Tony: Yeah, Des. I've always found dreams fascinating, you know. I have the
wildest dreams.
Desmond: Well that doesn't surprise me.
Shirley: What are your dreams about, Tony?
Tony: Well.. I don't remember them.
Tony: Me on the TV, my mum's gonna love this. You know I always thought I'd be good. Listen, Leroy, you don't know any agents do you..?
Porkpie: Eat it? Eat what?
Tony: Yeah, well I don't think he means a porkpie, Porkpie.
Shirley: What kind of things were you getting up to when you were sixteen?
Desmond: [smiling] You don't want to know.
Shirley: Precisely... Tony, you're nearer to sixteen than any of us here. What
kind of things you getting up to when you were sixteen?
Tony: [sly smile] No.. you don't want to know.
Tony: God! Grange Hill eat your heart out!
Tony: I always knew what career my talents were destined for, Des.
Desmond: And what was that then, Ton?
Tony: [evil look]
Tony: Are you 100% sure about all this? Des'll go spare.
Lee: Ton, all I'll be doing is video-ing the life of a barber shop. I mean, what's
he got to go spare about.
Tony: Well little things, like you unscrewing the legs to his table, getting me to
rig his hand shower, you taking the springs out of the till, all so you can win five
grand on 'You've been framed'!
Lee: Yeah. And what's he got to go spare about?
Tony: Saying you're making a low-budget european arthouse movie set in a barber's
shop. [puts on trailer-guy voice] The hairdresser's husband 2...
Lee: Ton, you're best boy.
Tony: Yeah, what else..
Matthew: The only light entertainment I allow myself is 'Mastermind'.
Tony: You really live life to the full, don't you, Matt.
Desmond: What's this, Lee? You resorted to video-ing your foot bottom?
Lee: No, Des, we're watching the playback, through the viewfinder, to see what
we shot yesterday. That's director's jargon, that is, Des.
Desmond: And?
Tony: We should'a shot the director.
Lee: Oh my god, what you done?
Tony: [annoyed] You're supposed to shout out, Matthew! You didn't shout
out! I coulda.... damaged me looks!
Lee: Hold that for me, mate.
Tony: Listen don't worry, man, we'll get the shot, we'll get the shot!
[Tony slaps Lee on the back while he's still in the trolley, trolley rolls on down the
hill. Tony grabs the camera properly and follows on filming. The trolley goes down hill
and straight into a pond, dumping Lee into the water]
Lee: Who let go of the trolley!
Louise: Don't you mean the dolly, Lee? Director's jargon!
Lee: I'm the director, I can call it what I want.
Tony: [inches closer to edge of pond] Keep it going! I've got it all on
camcorder!
Lee: You have?
Tony: Hold it, hold it... I'm just gonna move in now for a close up.. alright..
[Tony moves in too far and falls into the pond on top of Lee, camera flying into the
air]
Lee: Tell me something, Ton... what's you family like?
Tony: A pain.
Lee: Yeah, I thought as much. You know, no one I know's got anything good to say
about their family. Makes me wonder, should I bother tracking mine down.
Tony: I dunno. I get on alright with mine, even better since I left home.
Lee: Do you know what I wanted to be when I left the children's home?
Tony: What?
Lee: A pilot. I wanted to travel around the world, surrounded by air hostesess.
Instead, the furthest I've been to is Ibiza, surrounded by girls from Essex.
Tony: You know what I wanted to be? A male model.
Lee: Yeah, I can see why you never made it, Ton.
Tony: No, that was NOT the reason. I went to an agency when I was sixteen, and they
said they'd take me on, if I grew five more inches. You see, I was 5'7" then, and I'm
still 5'7" now, I tried becoming taller and that, I even tried hanging from doors, all
I got were longer arms.
Lee: If you knew life'd be such a disappointment, you'd never have come out the
womb now, would you...
Tony: No...
Lee: So where we going tonight then, Ton... somewhere nice and
downtown where the beers are cold and
Tony and Lee: the women are hot.
Lee: Let's put this to the floor then shall we? Has anybody got
any names?
Tony: Yeah.. how about Levi Strauss?
Desmond: Wilkinson Sword?
Tony: I like this. It's like cluedo, innit. Was it Reverend Green,
in the library, with the candlestick!
Neville: This is nothing like Cluedo. Sit.
Tony: Yeah, right, Nev.
Florence: And what do your friends do?
Tony: [post accent] Well I dibble-dabble in the money market.
Lee: [post accent] And I scribble-scrabble in equities.
Desmond: I'll give him an important haircut.
Tony: Des, Des... if this one's important don't you think I should
do it?
Desmond: [watching a couple dance] That boy's a danger to
women. He should have a government health warning round his neck.
Tony: Now listen, Des. You either got it mate, or you ain't!
[Tony and Lee share a glance then bolt onto the dancefloor and grab
partners]
Tony: [after watching Lee fall over] Now that's the kind of
thing I'd be filming if I had a camera!
Lee: Ton, you've just given me a great idea!
Desmond: That's right. Porkpie has always been a devotee of the
three r's.
Tony: What... reading, writing and 'rithmatic?
Desmond: No, rum, raisin and rum.
Desmond: Tony? You got nothing better to do?
Tony: [looks around shop] uh...No?
Matthew: [analyzing Tony's handwriting] At first glance Tony,
it seems you are an impulsive and highly creative person.
Tony: Oh.
Matthew: These large circles above your i's show a very outgoing
personality.
Tony: So do these large ones below my eyes, Matt.
Tony: Look, there is one solution to this problem. If you don't want
to put her up for a few days... I will.
Everyone else: You??
Tony: Yeah me. Any objections?
Porkpie: Yes. You too young.
Tony: For what? We're only talking about my spare room, Porkpie. Hey,
I get it. You're jealous.
Porkpie: No I'm not.
Desmond: Yes you are.
Tony: 'Cause you know she likes... younger men.
Susu: [sees Tony bent over] Ooooooh...Hello Tony!
[she slaps his backside]
Tony: Susu.
Desmond: [turns round to see Tony cross-legged on the floor]
What wrong with you?
Tony: Sometimes the tension in here, Des... it gets a bit much,
y'know?.
Tony: [holds up old shaving brush] Des, Des, you'll never
guess mate! This is art!
Desmond: [grabs it out of Tony's hand and throws it to the side]
Great.
Porkpie: Fresh air? In Peckham?
Tony: Yeah, isn't that the stuff that comes in tins at the chemists?
Oh it's very good for the lungs, they say.
Matthew: I saw the red light on the answer phone, played it back
and there it was, the voice of doom!
Tony: What, one of those heavy breather calls, was it? Ooh, yeah
I used to get them.
Porkpie: You did?
Tony: Yeah, 'til I got the girlfriend to give up the smoking!
Mandy: It's uhm.. Anthony, isn't it?
Tony: Yeah that's right. You're uh... Michael's Mandy, aren't you?
Mandy: No, I'm not Michael's anything actually. I mean I work for
him but I'm not his.
Tony: Are you anybody's?
Mandy: I beg your pardon?
Tony: Drink?
Mandy: Don't mind if I do.
Desmond: When intelligence and leadership were being handed out, the
Ambrose family was right there at the front of the queue..
Tony: You must have been away that day, eh, Des?
Desmond: Tony, when I want your resignation, I'll ask for it.
Tony: Yeah, listen Lee, if you really want to help, mate, take a
seat over there and pay for a haircut.
Lee: Nah's too late. Fat Larry's already done the biz.
Desmond: You got your hair cut at Fat Larry's?!
Lee: Des! It's half term! You're normally busier and his was
packed as it was.
Tony: Yeah well what do you expect, Des? Fat Larry's got four top
stylists all doing the latest cuts, yeah. And how many you got? Me. I told
you before, Des, we need another assistant. 'Specially in the hols, one to
attract the kids. Someone young, someone innovative, someone street.
Sean: Did someone call me?
Sean: If you keep up with us we'll soon have this place kicking,
right, Ton?
Tony: Yeah. F.A.B. Brains.
Sean: Now was I good today, or was I good today.
Tony: Hey, were WE good today, yeah.
Sean: Do you see what happens when you find your market, put the word
out, get the right blend of atmosphere?
Tony: Yeah yeah, you end up knackered. Tell you what though, I haven't
seen queues in this place since the day Lee was flogging those mobile phones
that turned out to be pencil cases.
Tony: There you go, Matt. Closest shave you ever had, mate.
Matthew: You can say that again.
Tony: [pulling Lee by the collar] Come out!
Tony: Next!
[customer goes to Tony's chair and not Desmond's]
Desmond: See that is why he called a friend. The man is thiefing
my customers!
Tony: Yeah, that's what's called insider snipping, Des.
Tony: Thank you, Porkpie, the voice of diplomacy.
Porkpie: Well you haven't said anything to help the situation.
Tony: Oh yeah, well that's because I'm trying to stay cool.
Michael: Speak to him.
Tony: What for? I don't wanna talk to him... well... what am I
supposed to say?
Desmond: I dunno. But he'll probably speak to you.
Tony: Yeah, well I've got nothing to say to him.
Beverly: Well I have.
Desmond: Go, man, talk.
Tony: [deep manly voice] Yo, uh, Bob.
Bob: [points gun at Tony] Bob? Who you calling Bob?
Tony: Uh, no, I'm just thinking you're doing all this for a couple
bob, init, I mean a few Robert, uh, a few quid, you know what I mean.
Bob: Don't you 'mind me.
Tony: Nah, I didn't want to remind you just thought, I mean...
Everyone else: Shut up.
Gloria: So what are your demands?
Bob: You mean apart from two blondes and a holiday in Ibiza?
Tony: Oh hey, put me down for that.
Louise: Tony, you couldn't do us a favour?
Tony: What's that, darling?
Louise: You wouldn't give us a trim and trim my split ends of? You
have been promising for ages.
Tony: Yeah, it's alright, it's my pleasure, think I'll have to wash
it first though.
Lloyd: The sooner they sort out our demands, the sooner we can get
out of here.
Tony: Yeah, well what I want to know is when, right, 'cause I'm going
down the wag club tonight and I ain't gonna miss that.
Gloria and Louise: How'd you get in the wag club?
Gloria: Take me the next time you go?
Louise: And me!
Lloyd: How'd you get in? Well they're really strict on the door and
I've tried so many times.
Desmond: Next time just bring your gun.
Tony: I got your bags, Bev, yeah.
Beverly: You see, Shirl? I have three strapping sons at home there
and little skinny boy like Tony is all I need. Maybe I should take you
home with me.
Tony: Uh... not tonight, eh, Bev, I'm off down the wag club.
Louise: Can I come?
Tony: Yeah, yeah, be my guest.
Desmond: Tony, when you finished with that customer, lock up. It's
lunchtime.
Tony: Are you sure, what if Michael...?
Desmond: Listen, who the boss of this shop? My son or me?
Tony: Yeah, I'll be up in a minute.
Desmond: Good.
Tony: Me know a wicked pub wit' a dread jukebox play some haaaard
tunes!
Desmond: Tony, not all black people speak like that. Tony, I'd like
to go to the exsquisite public house where there's a marvellous jukebox
that plays some..
Porkpie: Hard tunes.
Tony: Well I've got an essay for you, Des. Will Michael forgive
Desmond for closing the shop today?
Desmond: If Shirley can have a day off, I can have a day off.
Tony: Yeah but Michael's paying me to be with you today, in' he.
Desmond: So you with me, ain't you?
Tony: Hey, what's that yellow one there then, Glor?
Gloria: Oh that's blind lemon sorbet.
Tony: What, you have to eat it with your eyes shut?
Tony: This is pretty good, Des, you should try some.
Desmond: Yes, you should try cutting hair, Tony.
[Gloria and friend duet on the recorder]
Tony: Yeah, well that should get the audience racing for the fire
exits.
Matthew: What I need is a class act.
Tony: Alright, Matt. Look no further, mate. I've hid my talent behind
this pair of scissors for far too long now. There is no classier act,
[Tony whips an apron around his neck] than the bard of Avon...
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Deny thy father, refuse they name...
uh.....
Desmond: Isn't that Juliet? Are you trying to tell us something,
Tony?
Tony: No, Man, No! No no no, I was in an all boys drama class, wasn't
I. I used to get all the girl parts 'cause of my looks and that. No I did!
Desmond: Porkpie, what's the best way to explain a pardner to Matthew?
Tony: Yeah, well, it's a West Indian savings and loan system, Matt.
It's otherwise known as a boxand. Got started in the 50s when West Indians
started coming over here and the banks were a bit reluctant to organise
loans for us.
Gloria: He's been cutting black people's hair too long.
Matthew: That's like calling the ancient Egyptians grafiti artists
because they drew on walls.
Tony: You can't say pharoah than that!
Matthew: She doesn't want me, she wants my genes.
Tony: And we're not talking 501s.
Gloria: Men need women like us to introduce them to moisturisers
and lotions that help make us women and can help make a good looking man...
take Lee for example. Working out day and night building those biceps
but what a body without a face.
Tony: Here, Glor, if it's customers you're looking for, you need
look no further than moi. A little help from ye olde adressee book will
have you girls busy 'til Christmas.
Tony: Now look, girls, I've gotta come clean with ya, I haven't
actually had a chance to contact..
Louise: No Graham.
Gloria: Did you tell Leo?
Tony: Yes, yeah, left a very firm message on his answerphone.
Lee: What, is he back from Australia then?
[Tony gives Lee the evils]
Gloria: Tony, I don't like what I'm hearing.
Tony: Look, Glor, I haven't been out all week, my phone's been cut
off..
Gloria: Did you send word to anyone? The milkman?
Tony: ... no.
Gloria: S'okay... You're fired!
Tony: eh?
